Boots the Exterminator

I don’t know how it’s possible that I don’t have my own reality show on the Bravo or A&E television network. My life is never dull especially during a year-long deployment.

Case in point:

Lately, I have been suffering from some sleepless nights which is partly due to the fact that I recently signed up for a strength training boot camp at church (you already know my history at the church gym, my wounds from the treadmill fall are healing nicely)…anyway, this boot camp is beating my body into submission. No amount of Aleve or Motrin is helping my poor aching muscles…so I am lying awake feeling sore and sorry for myself when suddenly….I hear something  scratching on the ceiling of my bedroom. For a moment, I thought it might be a side effect from too much medication, but then…I hear it again…a creepy scratching and chewing sound above my head.

Let me tell you, it was pitch black dark in my bedroom…but I can guarantee… had you been there…you would have been able to see my big white eyeballs rolling around in fear. I held my breath and wanted to die… you know the feeling…I was 7-years-old all over again and the monster in the closet and the boogie man were all there in the shadows of my bedroom. The bad part is that I’m “X” years old…which means when you wake up in the middle of the night or get scared…. you always need to go to the bathroom (the aging process really blows!!!).  But NOooooo, not me…something could grab my ankles on the way… I’m holding it and waiting for a little daylight. It was painful, but I made it!

With the morning sunshine came some clarity to my situation; there’ s a critter in my attic. I announce this fact to my children at breakfast. Here’s their response:

Jordan: “Eewww!” (she’s in middle school)

Tuck: “Can I shoot it?”  and  a follow-up comment of… “Cool, it’s like an episode from Billy the Exterminator” (he’s a boy and his favorite TV shows are: Billy the Exterminator, Dirty Jobs and Dog the Bounty Hunter…mind you, I hit the mute button frequently…but I also happen to love these shows…somehow, I feel like I could play the lead role in each one of these…especially this year).

Which leaves my response….I dial the digits to my parents.

Remember, my parents live in the country. They have a barn and are accustomed to unwelcome critters. For the longest time as a child I thought we just had an ugly cat that visited every night, but it turns out it was an opossum. Anyway…I digress. My Daddy was excited to help and took me in his barn. He said, “So what size trap do you need?!?…I’ve got a racoon/opossum size, squirrel size,  rat size…and if it’s anything smaller than that…you’ll just need to go to Wal-mart and buy one of those wimpy traps.”

Well, let me see…I had to “size up” the situation and determine the magnitude of my problem…. I chose the squirrel size trap, hopeful that it wasn’t a rat and praying it wasn’t anything the size of my childhood cat.

Next step…the bait. I asked my Mom what should I put in my trap to lure my unwelcome guest….she said (as any southern woman would), “I’d give him a smorgasbord.” …Excellent advice…. Tuck on the other hand was hollering…”Mom, Billy the Exterminator uses cashews or smelly chicken for his traps.” Considering the cost of cashews and chicken, I opted for a half-eaten moon pie left over from Tuck’s lunchbox….who or what wouldn’t want a moon pie?!?

Last night, the trap was set. I laid in bed comforted by the fact that I might hear a loud snap of the cage door slamming. Good riddance boogie man!

I woke this morning…with no luck in trapping my “friend.”

I guess moon pies are not good bait after all. I’m starting to rethink the cashews and chicken. I don’t have to make it smelly…it’s expected to be over 90 degrees today…one hour in our attic and that chicken should be just right! I also have purchased some of those “wimpy” traps from Wal-mart…just in case. Another friend has also suggested moth balls.

I’m thinking my mother’s day might be smelly (both literally and figuratively). It also might entail a caged wild animal or one dangling from a trap. Just call me “Boots the Exterminator” … I really need a leather outfit to go with the title…maybe that’s what’s in the mail from Afghanistan…one can only hope!

Happy Mother’s Day Y’all!



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2 responses to “Boots the Exterminator

  1. Rick

    You need pointy-toed boots. Gotta be able to reach the little crunchy varmints in the corners. 🙂

  2. Leslie Daniel

    So, What is it? Do you know yet?

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