Today…I tackled, trimmed and tortured my yard. Last week’s freakish hail storm shredded all of my flower beds, so I was motivated to get out there and clean things up.
Step one…I called my Dad to see if he had a hedge trimmer. Of course, he had more stocked in his barn than Home Depot…so I headed over to their house after dropping the kids off at school. Sifting through the choices, I was amazed at the size and horsepower available…but settled on a smaller version (for fear of losing a limb). Step two… I untangle the blasted orange power cord that has more knots than Tuck’s shoelaces (it took nearly an hour). Step three…I get a headache from the power cord episode so I take off my baseball cap which in turn releases my “morning hair” (Diana Ross’ got nuttin on me…hence the ball cap at all times before a shower). Step four…As I drag the cord and trimmer through the backyard gate, Moses (our “un”faithful beagle) darts between my legs and makes a break for freedom. Step five…I go into the kitchen to get lunchmeat (it’s the only way to lure Moses home). Step six….I begin roaming the neighborhood streets with my Diana Ross hairdo in my “yard clothes” with a handful of lunchmeat while hollering expletives at a dog that no one sees. Step seven…My neighbor pours an extra cup of coffee and pulls a chair up to the window…this scene is better than me chasing the garbage truck in my nightgown…clearly, I look drunk, lost or ready for a casting call on “Cops.” I was swatting the proverbial invisible fly…Moses was a “no-show” and the neighbors were entertained. Step eight…I smell the lunchmeat and discover it’s past the expiration date so I cancel the search party and head home (Moses, it’s a cruel world out there…good luck buddy). Step nine…I return to my hedge trimmer and take my frustrations out on some bushes….My hair was still “free”…(my neighbor later commented that it looked like a scene from the movie Edward Scissorhands). Step ten…In the middle of a horsepowered haze of some major bush trimming…Moses returns home, falls at my feet and throws his legs in the air (it was a little sacrificial and dramatic, but then again…he’s a member of the family). Step eleven…I forgive Moses. Step twelve…The sky opens up and rain begins to pour. Step thirteen…I give up, go inside and take a shower.
Fast forward to 4:00PM in the afternoon. I’ve completely forgotten about the morning’s activities, Tuck’s working on homework, and Jordan arrives home. I fix her a snack and she freezes in front of the window overlooking the backyard. Apparently… Jordan notices my day’s work and the “trimmings” on the ground, but mistakes it for some of Moses’ handiwork (Moses is famous for digging up my flowers and running around the backyard with a small tree in his mouth)….Her eyes start to water…and she says, “Mom, when are you going to give away Moses?!?” I was a little lost by her comment and then I realized what she was looking at….a dismantled backyard….it was the perfect excuse, an opening…Moses could have a one way ticket to the pound and the kids would be none the wiser…it was soooo tempting!!!…then, I remembered that pitiful pet returning home…sure, he made a mockery out of me in the neighborhood and there’s no doubt my hands would smell like expired lunchmeat for at least a day…but the guilt was fresh from giving up on him in the first place. It was like he came back, fell at my feet while I grasped a power tool and said…”Just end it now, lady…here I am.” I had my chance, but once again…I couldn’t do it! …Jordan has a photograph of Moses in her locker at school. Tuck gets up every morning and sits with Moses in his area while I fix breakfast. And last but not least, Moses snores every night (which sometimes rivals Chris) and for a fleeting moment it makes me feel like Chris is here…I sleep better with the sound.
As tempting as it was…I let Moses off the hook and told Jordan the truth about the yard.
No one was in the “dog house”…at least for today. But, talk to me tomorrow when I plant the pansies. If I find one flower in his precious snout…well, you know the rest.